When I think about my father's death, for some reason I sense myself back then as a full-blown adult, not as a young woman in her late teens. Still, ever since the women's weekend at Tonche, I am becoming more and more aware of how I tend to hold hard experiences at an arm's length, reconfiguring them into something okay.
I tend to keep a
tight lid clamped down on my feelings from that time. It was just
around this time of year, late October, when Papa died in 1929 – just before
Wall Street crashed.
Maybe it is not so
surprising that I cannot connect with how it all felt - it must have been
overwhelming. First my beloved Papa
died, then the world came tumbling down around me, and I had to say good bye to
my plans for becoming a teacher.
It seems
interesting, that I cannot feel any feelings from that time. One of
the things that came out of a small discussion circle I was part of at Tonche
was seeing that no matter what fate throws me, I reshape and reconfigure
it to make it okay, even good, even great.
On the
first full day of the retreat, during a discussion circle, I reflected on how I
have been lucky to have an easy life. Now,
we had been discussing quite a few things over the day, so the young women had
gotten to somewhat know this Ancient One.
One of them just looked at me in startled disbelief and said, "Mrs.
Lockhart, your life was not easy - it was hard."
That made
me think and think and think - I am still thinking. For as far back as I can remember, putting a happy
face on events has been
more important to me than experiencing events as they were. That was a real ground-shaking thought for
this Gramster. Doing that has helped me keep the lid clamped shut on things that might distress me, make me uncomfortable and sad.
There are
so many things that I miss about Papa that I typically tune out because of how they make me feel, so many things about the life I had before October 1929. Maybe now - 71 years later - I can lift the
lid a bit.
My
goodness, this is a dark, introspective posting. Let me end on an up note. Three years ago today, John's Mom died. Sounds bleak, I know. It was not.
She went out in a flash - a heart attack that apparently took her in one
fell swoop. I was sad for John, who
loved his mother dearly, and for the rest of us who appreciated her from tip to
toe, but I was a bit (well, more than a bit) envious of Marie, going so fast,
no bother to anyone, no declining health.
I miss her.
John and
Elsa gave each other "Mom hugs" all evening - "Here's one to her
Johnnie" "Here's one to her budgette-in-law."
Will they
give each other "Mom hugs" from me one day?
No doubt in my mind. It is nice
to know that while I will be gone, my hugs will still be making the rounds.
Nite nite
and God bless - Gocky
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