Sounds like Mom wrote a posting late the night before, but I can't find one!
Yes, it
does feel like I was just composing a note for my merry little band.
I had a
rough night last night - lots of nightmares - and there are things I
want to say before the day goes much farther.
A young
relative of mine said two things over the past six months that stopped
me in my tracks. The one I need to share
today was a comment about family relationships - according to this bright,
promising and talent young person, it is standard practice to work through
family issues with friends so that we can present a civil and pleasant face
within our family.
This is a
step up from what I always thought - that working out family relationships
was between myself and God alone, no friends, no ministers, no counselors, just
a one-on-one between God and myself. It
is not a surprise that nothing changed for the better.
In all
the books and audiotapes I have read or listened to over the past two
years, the need to lovingly identify and at least try to resolve family issues in an open, loving, win-win way is what I remember. Not once do I remember any of them advising
readers/listeners to let things ride for the sake of peace in the family.
Over the past few years, three of my
favorite authors - Mary Pipher, Stephen Covey and John Bradshaw – have made it clear
to this Ancient One that we are supposed to at least do our best to address
active family issues and that we should always keep the door open.
Our
earliest family influence with working within family dynamics was my older daughter,
Mim, who is very experienced working with children and is skilled within her
profession (she works with autistic children) at opening up/dealing with
issues. She had a lot to say about the
need for tough love, with ourselves and others, and she was the first to say
that it was better to remove yourself (hopefully temporarily) from an unhealthy
relationship than it was to close your eyes to what was happening and help
perpetuate it.
That did
not make any sense to me until recently.
I did not understand the
concept of accountability - mine and others.
I did not understand that we cannot change others, no matter how much we
care about them, we can only change ourselves.
Even if we create what we consider a loving and compassionate and safe
place for change to happen, other people might feel that it is unloving,
hurtful and unsafe.
I read
that all families are dysfunctional (I dislike like that word, it is so clinical
and so overused), but that healthier families are able to identify
and self-correct faster than others.
I
disagree with my young relative - it seems to me that working through family
issues with friends or other people might make the immediate situation easier
to deal with, but it does nothing to resolve real problems.
It does
take a lot of courage. Human nature dislikes change, even change for the
better. That does not make it reasonable
to stop trying.
It might
sound preachy, but all any of us can do is the best we can do at the moment
knowing what we know, which may or may not be enough in our eyes.
Thanks
for letting me spout off. I feel better
and the memory of my nightmares
do not bother me as much as they were.
Thank you for being there.
Love to
you all - Grammie Kay
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