At the eleventh hour, my specialist called up to say he wants to delay,
possibly cancel, my shoulder surgery. Now, I am off to see another
specialist, this one is in musculature (sp??), in downtown Philadelphia,
on Thursday afternoon. This is so wearying.
Having trust in my orthopedic (sp?) surgeon helps. I have been going to him for years and he is unusually caring. He spoke to me yesterday afternoon, then gave a full account to John, then he called late last night to go everything himself with Elsa.
Dr. Beight makes us feel like we are part of his team.
I received a flurry of calls yesterday. First, my former daughter-in-law, with whom I am friends, called. She had just heard about the surgery and wanted to give me her best. Then, her mother called (yes, Peter's former mother-in-law, which should give an idea of our unusual relationship) and gave me her best wishes. Then my granddaughter Whitney called. Close on the heels of their calls came a call from Peter. My mother's heart was so happy to hear his voice, it has been many months. So, great things can come from not-so-great situations.
Whitney had been much in my thoughts yesterday, since she was the
grandchild who was so horrified that I would even think about the possibility of death, which got me thinking. It is funny how many people freeze up at the mention of death, which is one of the very few things that each and every one of us will do. I dread the thought of a painful death process but the thought of death gives me no qualms. The older I get and the more my body disintegrates around me, as it is, the more I know that I am not my body and the more I look forward to removing it like an old glove that has outlived its purpose.
Who is it said that we are not human beings having a spiritual
experience, that we are spiritual beings having a human experience? I like that.
As a staunch believer in my faith, what is there to fear? I know that
the life after this is a life filled with use, that we will go of our own
free will to whatever spiritual society reflects the loves we made our own in this life. What is to fear?
I believe that the loves that are the true me will be reunited with the
loves that are the true Pete. I believe that there will be the most perfect form of male/female intercourse, which is even in its most wonderful earthly expression more a conjunction of minds than bodies. I have experienced with Pete, here in this life, how physical relations change with changing states of mind and body. We did not act like we did when we were newlyweds, but more wonderful than we could have imagined when we were in our twenties.
It really is all in the mind - the bliss, the deep passion, the remarkable
pleasure and great spike of joy.
Who knows what the next year will bring, for any of us? The trick seems to be in fully living within this moment, with awareness and learning from the past and full faith and sensitivity for the future.
One last thought in this lengthy posting (my Faithful Scribe's fingers
are getting weary and I want to head back to bed) is that so many older people face one of the most dismal side effects of long life - losing their intimate circle of friends. Gay & Willard, Betty & Paul, Al & Margaret, Dot & Bert, Joyce, Marjorie, Cornelia, Viola, Pete - are all gone, while I remain. But my circle of friends, far from shrinking, has expanded to include so many wonderful people, young and not so young. Being basically confined to the house is moot, since my thoughts can reach you through e-mail. It does not even matter that my right shoulder is shot and cannot handle writing for longer than a few minutes. I just let Elsa's fingers do the typing and, magically, my words are sent to this circle. I can send family and friends St. David's Day cards (patron saint of Wales) and birthday cards and get well cards and thinking of you cards, all through this incredible box and wires. When the computer was out of commission for a few weeks, I found myself missing its presence; it seems like part of the family.
I come finally to the end. At this point, you might be feeling about this posting much I do about death - interested in seeing what the next bit says but ready for it to wrap up so you can get on with your life.
Love to you all - The Gramster