At the eleventh hour, my specialist called up to say he wants to delay,
possibly
cancel, my shoulder surgery. Now, I am
off to see another
specialist,
this one is in musculature (sp??), in downtown Philadelphia,
on
Thursday afternoon. This is so
wearying.
Having
trust in my orthopedic (sp?) surgeon helps.
I have been going to him for years and he is unusually caring. He spoke to me yesterday afternoon, then gave
a full account to John, then he called late last night to go everything himself with Elsa.
Dr.
Beight makes us feel like we are part of his team.
I
received a flurry of calls yesterday.
First, my former daughter-in-law, with whom I am friends, called. She had just heard about the surgery and wanted
to give me her best. Then, her mother
called (yes, Peter's former mother-in-law, which should give an idea of our
unusual relationship) and gave me her best wishes. Then my granddaughter Whitney called. Close on the heels of their calls came a call
from Peter. My mother's heart was so happy
to hear his voice, it has been many months.
So, great things can come from not-so-great situations.
Whitney
had been much in my thoughts yesterday, since she was the
grandchild
who was so horrified that I would even think about the possibility of death,
which got me thinking. It is funny how
many people freeze up at the mention of death, which is one of the very few
things that each and every one of us will do.
I dread the thought of a painful death process but the thought of death
gives me no qualms. The older I get and
the more my body disintegrates around me, as it is, the more I know that I am
not my body and the more I look forward to removing it like an old glove that
has outlived its purpose.
Who is it
said that we are not human beings having a spiritual
experience,
that we are spiritual beings having a human experience? I like that.
As a
staunch believer in my faith, what is there to fear? I know that
the life
after this is a life filled with use, that we will go of our own
free will
to whatever spiritual society reflects the loves we made our own in this
life. What is to fear?
I believe
that the loves that are the true me will be reunited with the
loves
that are the true Pete. I believe that
there will be the most perfect form of male/female intercourse, which is even
in its most wonderful earthly expression more a conjunction of minds than
bodies. I have experienced with Pete,
here in this life, how physical relations change with changing states of mind
and body. We did not act like we did
when we were newlyweds, but more wonderful than we could have imagined when we
were in our twenties.
It really
is all in the mind - the bliss, the deep passion, the remarkable
pleasure
and great spike of joy.
Who knows
what the next year will bring, for any of us?
The trick seems to be in fully living within this moment, with awareness
and learning from the past and full faith and sensitivity for the future.
One last
thought in this lengthy posting (my Faithful Scribe's fingers
are
getting weary and I want to head back to bed) is that so many older people face
one of the most dismal side effects of long life - losing their intimate circle
of friends. Gay & Willard, Betty
& Paul, Al & Margaret, Dot & Bert, Joyce, Marjorie, Cornelia,
Viola, Pete - are all gone, while I remain. But my circle of friends, far from
shrinking, has expanded to include so many wonderful people, young and not so
young. Being basically confined to the
house is moot, since my thoughts can reach you through e-mail. It does not even matter that my right
shoulder is shot and cannot handle writing for longer than a few minutes. I just let Elsa's fingers do the typing and, magically,
my words are sent to this circle. I can
send family and friends St. David's Day cards (patron saint of Wales) and
birthday cards and get well cards and thinking of you cards, all through this
incredible box and wires. When the
computer was out of commission for a few weeks, I found myself missing its
presence; it seems like part of the family.
I come
finally to the end. At this point, you
might be feeling about this posting much I do about death - interested in seeing
what the next bit says but ready for it to wrap up so you can get on with your
life.
Love to
you all - The Gramster
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